How do I tell you?!

How do I tell you, that all I'm trying to be is far from what I am... That what I am is not what I can accept!
That all that is in me like an onion, is to be peeled off.. that what I am is way down under.. and even then how much of me, in me, is me? Is that really even a choice I have?
Is that a step that can be taken and if yes then should it? In the end I feel all I want to be is a sun total of all I have seen and liked.. but the paradox lies in that, if I have liked it, then is that truly that different from the me, that is in me, which is not me?!
Wish I could simplify it! And maybe it is... And maybe in the chaos of all this complexity I will find the calm among the storm.. the pattern in the chaos.. the simplicity in this complexity...
Until then I can only hope to hold on, move forward, keep maybe done distance, in a hope to see the bigger picture.. 
I seem to want it badly enough... Must be something good about it! And, along the way, create my own chaos to add to the pattern..

- excerpts from the writings inspired from the blue Binoculars! 
16 May 2021

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